


missing him was dark gray all alone (but loving him was red)

by flyingthesky



Category: Degrassi, Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: 5+1 Things, F/M, Fix-It, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-07-28
Packaged: 2018-04-11 08:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4427792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingthesky/pseuds/flyingthesky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five new people who talk to Maya Matlin in the wake of Campbell Saunder's attempted suicide (and one old).</p>
            </blockquote>





	missing him was dark gray all alone (but loving him was red)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DragonNinjaAri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonNinjaAri/gifts).



> DON'T TOUCH ME. THIS FIC HAS TAKEN LIKE A YEAR TO FINISH BECAUSE _EVERYTHING STILL HURTS_. THIS IS WHY I GAVE UP DEGRASSI LIKE NINE YEARS AGO.
> 
> Also: happy birthday [DragonNinjaAri](http://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonNinjaAri/pseuds/DragonNinjaAri)! Clearly this is exactly what you wanted for your birthday, right?

**1\. Eli Goldsworthy**  
Eli finds Maya Matlin sitting by herself, curled up into a corner of the music room and trying to pretend like she isn't crying. He's never really spoken to her before, and he should really leave her alone but he can't. He knows, peripherally because Adam has mentioned it, that she's Cam's girlfriend and . . . Cam isn't the same as him, clearly doesn't have the same flair for the dramatic, but Eli found him and Eli got him help and well.

Sitting down next to Maya, Eli digs out the chocolate bar that he was _going_ to give to Clare and nudges her. Clare won't mind that he gave it away if he tells her why.

"Do you like chocolate?"

Maya stares at him, and her eyes are red but she looks completely bewildered. Eli offers her the chocolate bar, and her bewildered look switches from Eli to the chocolate bar.

"It has nuts in it, so don't take it if you're allergic, but you look like you could use some chocolate."

It's the truth, plain and simple. Chocolate doesn't cure _everything_ , but it's helped pull Eli out of funks before. For a moment, Maya just stares at the chocolate bar. Then, slowly, she reaches out and curls her fingers around it, wordless. Eli gives her a smile, and Maya looks away. She doesn't open the chocolate bar, just kind of holds onto it like a lifeline, and Eli waits. He wants to hug her, but that would be really weird considering they're not even friends.

"You're Eli Goldsworthy," Maya says finally. She's looking straight ahead while she says it, and there's a lot of things that Maya could say next. Eli doesn't know which one he wants to hear. "My sister says you drove your car into a wall or something, but you're Adam's friend."

She turns to look toward him, and her eyes are a clearer blue than he thinks they should be.

Tilting her head, Maya gives him a smile that doesn't quite look real. "Right?"

He wants to laugh, because her answer is. She's such an innocent girl, and Eli thinks that she—no. He can't think like that, thinking like that is one of those little things that fuck you up. "Yeah," he says instead. Eli drums his fingers on the floor. "Look, I know that this is weird and all, but." Eli breathes out. "It's not his fault and it's not your fault, okay?"

Standing, Eli grins down at her. "Enjoy the chocolate, okay? I'll see you around."

"Yeah." Maya's gone back to not looking at him. She holds the chocolate bar up and waves it slightly, though. "Thanks for the chocolate."

**2\. Becky Baker**  
When she sees Maya Matlin bent over the sink in the little girl's room, Becky Baker knows that she should leave her alone. She's Adam's friend, and Adam's friends probably all hate her. Still, Maya's drawing in these huge, shaking breaths and Becky can't. Becky can't just walk away from somebody who's in need.

"Hey," Becky says, trying to keep her voice full of warmth. She doesn't touch Maya, just stands at the sink next to her. "Are you okay?"

Maya doesn't answer, just tightens her grip on the edges of the sink and struggles to breathe. Becky doesn't really know what to do, has never been in a situation like this before, so she does what she always does when things are bad: she sings about God. She sings about His glory carrying the weary through hard times, and after a verse she hears watery harmonizing. There's no words to it—just humming—but it gets less and less shaky as Becky keeps singing until Maya breathes out and straightens.

"Sorry about that." There's a smile on Maya's face that's as fake as some of the ones that Becky's put on her own face, but Becky doesn't say anything. The smile would fool most people, but Becky remembers perfecting her own in the mirror and remembers the effort it takes. She doesn't mention the tear stains either, because it's only polite. "I was just. Sometimes everything is too overwhelming, you know?"

Becky knows—oh, how Becky knows. She smiles, and touches Maya's arm gently. "There's nothing wrong with that. God sends us challenges to overcome all the time."

For a moment, Maya's expression becomes complicated. Becky's used to it, it's a common expression on people at Degrassi when she mentions God. She's tried not to do it since coming to Degrassi, but Becky knows nothing else. Her entire life has been devoted to God, and He slips into her speech entirely without thought. Sometimes Becky wonders if her entire experience at Degrassi is just an obstacle to overcome. Maya's expression smooths over, and her smile is much more real this time.

"You must be Becky Baker."

"Yes." Becky nods, not entirely sure what's going on. Maya doesn't seem malicious, though, so Becky gives her the benefit of the doubt. "And you're Maya Matlin."

"I can see why Adam's all mixed up over you," Maya says, wiping her tears away. She tucks her hair behind her ear. "Don't . . . don't give up on him, okay?"

Then she's gone, and Becky left standing there and wondering if that ever happened.

**3\. Mike Dallas**  
The first three days that Cam's gone, in the hospital and recovering, Dallas doesn't seek Maya out. He lets her exist on her own, partly because he's afraid of what her sister might do if she sees them talking and partly because he doesn't know what to say to her. He's not good at offering comfort, and she doesn't seem to want it. Maya walks around like she's _daring_ people to look at her with pity.

Then, he finds her in the locker room. She's curled up in Cam's cubbyspace, and she looks so small and broken that Dallas is afraid to announce his presence. He clears his throat, and Maya doesn't even acknowledge him.

"Maya?" Dallas sits down on the bench in front of her, and Maya looks over at him after a moment. Her eyes are hollow and dead, and Dallas doesn't know what to say. He curls his fingers around the edge of the bench. "Cam's coming back, you know."

"I don't ever want to see him again." Maya's gone back to staring at the wall of Cam's cubby, and Dallas can tell she isn't really seeing it at all. "Fuck Campbell Saunders."

Prior to Cam's hospitalization, Maya was just some girl that Cam happened to be dating. He didn't know that much about their relationship, but she seemed to make Cam alternately the happiest Dallas had ever seen him and the saddest Dallas had ever seen him. She was just a distraction to Cam, in Dallas' opinion, and he kind of resented her for that. Now, though, Dallas looks at her and sees a girl who really loved Cam but didn't know how to deal with him any more than he did.

"You don't mean that," Dallas says. The girl is curled up in Cam's cubby, he doesn't think that's something you do if you never want to see a person again. "You should come with me after school to go see him."

When Maya laughs, it makes his heart ache. "He doesn't want to see me."

For a moment, Dallas almost tells her that Cam asks about how she's doing every time Dallas goes to see him. He almost tells her about the way that Cam asked him, quietly, if he'd invite Maya to visit him. In the end, though, Dallas closes his mouth and doesn't say any of those things because he realizes something: she's not saying that Cam doesn't want to see her. She's saying she doesn't want to see him.

"I doubt that," Dallas says instead. He stands up. "Let me know if you change your mind."

Maya doesn't say anything—not that Dallas expects her to—and he leaves her alone.

**4\. Alli Bhandari**  
For the most part, Alli never stops working on schoolwork. She's cut back since the incident on the way to the Drake concert, but there's still not that much time for other things. Still, she cleared out time to see the counselor and when she arrives, there's already someone waiting. Rather, Katie Matlin is pushing her sister into one of the waiting chairs. Alli can't quite hear everything that Katie's telling Maya, but she can tell that Maya's not really listening. As she gets closer, Alli can hear Katie telling Maya _you're not okay, I don't care what you say you're going to see her_.

She feels like maybe she should go, but then Katie turns around and points at her. "You. Alli Bhandari, right? Can you make sure my sister sees the grief counselor?"

"Um." Alli's a little blindsided by the sudden request. She's got older siblings too, and Alli remembers being forced to do things she didn't want for her own good. "I . . . guess?"

"Great." Katie turns back to Maya, who's crossed her arms and is refusing to look at her sister. "I have to go to class. Just talk to her, okay?"

There's a long silence where Katie's presumably waiting for Maya's response. After a few moments, though, Katie just makes a frustrated noise and storms off. Tentatively, Alli sits down next to Maya. She's staring off into space, pointedly ignoring Alli.

"Sorry," Alli says. She's not sure what she's apologizing for, really. "Your sister is right, though. It's important to talk about these things."

Maya snorts. "That's all anyone ever wants me to do. I don't _want_ to talk anymore. My boyfriend tried to kill himself and all anyone ever does now is ask me how I _feel_. But that's the problem. I feel fine. Nobody takes that for an answer, though."

Alli folds her hands in her lap and looks down at them. She doesn't know Maya very well, only seeing her in the halls now and then, but . . . Something about the way Maya speaks tells Alli that she's _not_ okay. The way she holds herself reminds Alli of the way Clare sometimes folds into herself like a fortress, a little.

"It's . . . okay to not be okay," Alli starts hesitantly. She pauses for a moment, trying to figure out how to word the rest of her thought. "But you don't have to pretend to be okay for anyone's sake, even your own."

There's such a long silence between Alli's attempt at engaging Maya and her response that Alli figures Maya's chosen to ignore her. When the response does come, Alli almost doesn't hear it because it's so quiet.

"I don't want to stop pretending. If I stop pretending, then I'll fall apart."

"It's okay," Alli says. She reaches out, laying her hand on Maya's arm, and wonders if all Matlin women have the problem of falling apart at the seams. "The people who love you will help put you back together. You don't have to do this on your own."

Maya looks like she might say something, but then the counselor comes out and Maya looks toward her. She bites her lower lip, and then stands, walking into the room and not looking back. Something tells Alli that she'll be okay.

**5\. Connor DeLaurier**  
A girl comes into the computer room when Connor is working on a program and sits down. She just stares at the screen for a while, or at least she doesn't move from the time Connor first sees her sit down and when he looks up several minutes later. Normally he wouldn't talk to anyone in the computer room unless they talked to him first, but if she's not doing anything then maybe she doesn't know how and Connor always tries to help people if he can.

"Hey," he says. "Did you need help? I'm pretty good with computers, so if you have a question you can ask me."

For a moment, the girl keeps staring at the computer, but then she turns around. She looks sad, Connor thinks, and then he realizes that the girl is Maya Matlin. She's in WhisperHug with Adam, which is pretty cool because she's a niner. Apparently she's like, some kind of incredibly talented musician or something.

"Am I," Maya says hesitantly. "Am I a terrible person?"

Connor doesn't know how to answer that. It's kind of random, and plus he doesn't know Maya that well. Still, he doesn't think that Adam could be friends with Maya if she was a terrible person.

"Probably not." Connor shrugs. It's about the best answer he can give her without knowing the whole situation. "Why would you ask that?"

Maya shrugs. "I feel like a terrible person. I . . . I haven't gone to go see my boyfriend in the hospital."

Oh, right. Adam was saying something about how Maya's boyfriend was in the hospital because he tried to kill himself. Still, Connor doesn't think it's a terrible thing that she hasn't visited him. He thinks there's reason to not want to visit someone in the hospital. He doesn't like visiting hospitals.

"I don't think you're a terrible person." Connor smiles. He hopes that doesn't seem insincere. "A real terrible person wouldn't be worried about that."

There's a moment of silence where Maya seems to be thinking Connor's statement over. He thinks this further proves that she's not a terrible person—she seems to really care about what people say—but he doesn't want to interrupt her thinking to say that.

"Thanks," Maya says eventually. Connor thinks she looks a little bit happier, which is nice. She's got a pretty smile. "Adam's right, you're a pretty cool guy."

**+Campbell Saunders**  
Maya stands outside the hospital for five minutes, just staring up at all the windows and not really seeing them. She doesn't want to go in, not really, but she'd made Katie take her along when she'd driven their mother to have some kind of doctor's appointment. It's been a week, and she's pretty sure that she never wants to see Cam's face ever again. Theoretically.

But she also wants to cry and hug him and tell him that she's so mad at him but she loves him so much and she's so glad that he's okay and and and and the automatic doors open, and Maya looks to see who it is. She freezes, unsure what to do now that Cam's standing in front of her.

"You came," Cam says. It's quiet and awed, like he's not sure Maya's real either. "I didn't think you would come, but you came."

"I hate you so much," Maya says, as she tries not to cry. "I hate you, but I'm so glad you're okay because I didn't know what to do without you."

Everything gets really blurry and then it goes dark because Cam's hugging her and she's crying because she's been trying not to cry for a week. It serves Cam right if she gets snot all over his shirt anyway, because he's stupid and she hates him except for how she loves him more than pretty much anything else in the world and Simpson telling her that he was in the hospital made her entire world crumble and it's still not put back together yet, but it's starting to be rebuilt.

"I'm sorry," Cam says. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He doesn't stop saying it until Maya stops crying so much, having simmered down into hiccuping sobs. She doesn't know when Cam started rubbing circles on her back, but he's rubbing circles on her back and his shirt is soaking and she feels like she cried out an entire ocean.

"I still hate you," Maya says, sniffling. She closes her eyes and breathes in the way Cam smells. It's a little wrong, because she can smell the hospital on him, but that's okay. That's fine, as long as he's still real and alive. "They made me reschedule my audition because of you and I kept trying to practice except cellos sound sad."

"I'm sorry," Cam says again. Maya kind of wonders if he's ever going to say anything else.

"It's okay," Maya says. She's surprised to find that she means it. "As long as you're okay, it's okay."


End file.
